You may have heard of a recent feature film in the horror genus, entitled 'Shaun of the Dead'. Magazine and newspaper reports will have lead you to believe that the film's zombie cast were merely bit part players or extras. I can exclusively reveal that there has been a shocking cover-up. The fact of the matter is that the zombie cast was entirely made up of the actually undead...
As my tale of horror begins, I was a jobbing actor, and very much alive when I received a call to audition for a background zombie role. When asked whether I had any flesh eating experience, I of course lied - this was a major break for a background artiste, after all.
I decided I really had to make a special effort to clinch the part, so I contacted an acquaintance who works in a pharmaceutical lab. He'd told me about some irradiated baboons that they were experimenting on, which had been captured following an outbreak of Zombieitus in Penge, a few years previously.
Being an actor of the method school, I decided that the best way to act like a zombie was to become one, and arranged to be 'accidentally' bitten by one of these creatures. Very soon I had joined the ranks of the decomposing, and was ready for my audition.
As ever, the casting director paid little attention to my carefully prepared piece - an extract from Ibsen's 'Ghost', which I thought to be particularly pertinent. Amazingly, however, the call came through - I was to portray the vital role of 'vague zombie at the back of a handful of shots'.

Since filming wrapped, I have encountered some difficulty in finding further acting work. There isn't as much call for dead performers as you might think. Just ask Margaret Rutherford - she's not worked for years! Unfortunately, computer generated extras seem to be the order of the day, and cinema is worse off for it. Luckily, I have recently secured a Saturday job in Dixons, where I seem to fit in rather nicely.

To enter my world of
zombie flesh eating
click on an arrow,
and gasp at my
groundbreaking
performance...

ONLY BIGGER!!!